What I Didn't Know
by season5girl
Summary: Remus muses on his experiences with Sirius. SLASH RL/SB. Spoilers for OotP. Please R/R!;)


A/N: A little something done after reading OotP. I had to throw in my two cents;) Features a more optimistic Remus.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Archive: Just let me know.  
  
Disclaimer: *Sobs* They aren't mine! And I make no money from this, the only thing I gain is my own artistic satisfaction. The characters, canon etc. will be returned to J.K. Rowling and her respective companies with little wear and tear. However, the words, in the order in which they appear are mine. Oh, and the title comes from the song of the same name, by Athenaeum.  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!SPOILER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Contains SPOILERS for Order of the Phoenix.  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!SPOILER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Summary: Remus muses on the life he's known with Sirius.  
  
What I Didn't Know  
  
I didn't used to have faith. I never thought that anyone could accept me for what I was, what I am. I thought that every person I met would be the same as the few I had encountered. I thought they'd all hate me, I thought they'd see an animal, a monster. I never had faith, and then they proved me wrong.  
  
They became my friends, and I laughed with them and I wept at night because one day far too soon would come along and they'd discover it. My secret. And then they'd turn away from me, and the most I would ever get from them again would be disgusted glances, fearful looks and frightened eyes.  
  
And then, he found out. He pieced it all together, and when I confirmed it, when I told him I was wolf and man, though his eyes grew wide and he was silent, there was no fear in them. There was never fear in him.  
  
He grinned; he told me he knew it! He just knew it! And he leapt up and paced the length of the room and proved me wrong and said they'd have to do something about this. Have to keep me company, have to.   
  
And after that, nothing grew worse. After that, he was with me when the moon was full. He didn't run away from me. None of them ran. Except for with me. They all proved me wrong. And I was sure, so sure in that adolescent moment of loyal trust, so sure that I would always have faith in these people. These three boys who were my friends, despite it all. Because of me, who I was, and not what I was.  
  
But he more than any. Cradled me when I was wounded and hurting, and lulled me to sleep, and let me read to him from the thick, heavy volumes of Balzac and Dumas.   
  
And then it all changed again one day, very late into the school year. It was dark and tepid and we shared a kiss. And weeks passed, months passed, and we grew, and so did my faith.   
  
Touch and heat and soft, gentle, longing, passion and warm, anguish, beauty, wet, sorrow.  
  
We graduated and he and I moved in together. It was such a sweet time, such a short...I...but, then, he.... I didn't want it to ever end. And my faith dictated, as his hurried, soft breathes did, that it never would.  
  
And then came October.   
  
And they died.  
  
And he killed them.  
  
And my faith left me. I didn't used to have faith; I never used to believe. Until he proved me wrong, and years passed with our loving, and then, again, I was proved correct. They all do betray you, in the end.  
  
It seemed. And for years I lived with the fact I'd been deceived, I'd been betrayed....I'd never gotten to say goodbye. I was too much caught up in my own anger, my own hurt feelings.  
  
Thirteen...years passed. And then he proved me wrong again. He came back to me; I've never felt older than I did in that instant that I saw him again after so long a time. I never had stopped picturing him as he had been when I last saw his face, his dark eyes, his dark hair. And now...oh he was so much different from that silly, foolish boy I had loved so dearly.  
  
I wonder how I looked to him?  
  
He told me once, as we lay beside one another beneath the light sheets of my bed, that I looked like I always had. That I was as bright a moon to him then as I always had been. He said some very poetic, very soppy things, and he got me to cry even through my laughing.  
  
He told me I was always his Moony, always that one assured, bright thing in a very dark, helpless night.  
  
And really...I had betrayed him. I had stopped believing so quickly, stopped having faith. But he forgave me; we, I suppose, forgave the past.  
  
And almost two years passed. Almost. And we moved in together, to a big house, an old house. His house. And we slept and ate and laughed and my faith was again restored. He proved me wrong. I loved him for it.  
  
How I ever could have thought him guilty...I...don't think I'll ever truly understand. And, so unlike the first time he restored my faith to me, this was an immediate switch.  
  
When we had stood facing each other in the Shrieking Shack that night, and it had all been explained, and I finally put it together…that was the instant it was returned to me. As though he always had kept my faith in his pocket, it came back to me the very moment he did.  
  
And I never wanted it to end. I never wanted it to go again…wasn't once enough? Isn't once too much?  
  
He told me he wouldn't, he loved me too much. And anyway-how could he?-he said when he didn't even leave the house, how could he go again?  
  
And I believed him.  
  
And then...  
  
...we went to save their son. We went to save Harry.  
  
And now…I'm sitting here…at his old desk, and I'm writing with his old quill, and I'm crying with my same old tears.  
  
But I'm not going to lose it this time.   
  
When I was young I didn't understand…they don't always betray you, they don't always go away. Not if you have a little bit of that stuff he seemed to have in plenty. Not if I only just believed in him.  
  
So I am.  
  
I will.  
  
I know now, unlike I did then. I won't stop.  
  
What I didn't know could have filled a library. And now, I've decided to wait. I'm waiting for him to prove me wrong again.  
  
-Fin-  
  
A/N2: *Sniffs* I got all depressed writing this one. Here's the theme music I wrote it to: 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' by Bonnie Tyler, 'Come Undone' by Duran Duran, and some other stuff thrown in. I think it only increased the icky icky sadness of it;(;) Please review, as I'd appreciate it, and I'm sure Remus would as well;) Oh, and flame if you like; I enjoy making smores;) 


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